never have i ever...

i didn't exactly attend a party school but i may have played a drinking game or two during my college, and yes a few post-college, years.  if you're unfamiliar with "never have i ever," it's basically an icebreaker type of game that doesn't necessarily have to involve alcohol.  everyone takes turns making a statement that starts with the phrase "never have i ever..."  the rest of the statement is supposed to be a true statement that the other players don't necessarily know about you.  for example, "never have i ever (gotten a tattoo/been out of the country/ridden an elephant/you get the idea and yes these are things i have actually done but that's for another post on another day)."  you start with 10 points.  if the other players have done the thing said, they subtract a point (and take a drink).  after you lose all 10 points you're out. winner is last person with a point and/or the least amount of drinks.

the next time i play this, with or without alcohol, i think i have the ultimate statement.  the ultimate statement is one that is true, that no one else has probably done, but still makes everyone want to drink.  and yes, i made all of that up.  so what is this ultimate statement?

never have i ever thought that one day i would have to catch my child's poop, put it in a container and keep it refrigerated until it could be dropped off at the lab.

i wish i was kidding about this but i am not.  just so you know, when your kid is really sick and a first test comes back positive for shigatoxin, you will have to collect at least 2 more stool samples that prove it has passed before the health department clears her to go back to preschool.  i'll let you look up the symptoms related to shigatoxin before we continue.  done?  ok, so you now see that this first collection was about as close to the worst thing ever and i'm extremely grateful that J actually did it.  dad/husband of the year award goes to that man for that.  however, days later, when she's no longer exhibiting any symptoms and now associates the "special little plastic potty" with explosive diarrhea, good luck trying to get her to poop in it.  she told me in complete seriousness that her poops would not come out into that special potty because it was only for wet poops.  they would not come out onto a piece of saran wrap between the seat and the bowl.  they actually would not come out as long as she knew my plastic covered hand was waiting there.  i had to trick my child into pooping into my hand.  and i am sharing that here with all of you so that one day i might remind her of the things we do for our kids.  if she ever claims that i am mean and don't care about her i will gladly point her to this reminder that only someone who loves her would let her poop.in.their.hand.

i'm sure you've (thankfully) noticed there are no photos with this post.  i have to draw the line somewhere and besides, it's nearly impossible to hold a camera while you're sneakily catching poop.  in your hand.  if you try it successfully you have my permission to gloat about it in a drinking game because you're probably going to need that drink.